in love ~ 恋爱

look at the picture below. which could do you think is more in love?
a) the eldery couple in front
b) the younger hottie couple
c) none of the above
d) all of the above?


who do you think is more touching?
Originally uploaded by yl.

age old question maybe. my option would be (D). true, the eldery couple might not look very lovely dovey in this picture. but as they were coming up the steps of the bus, the ah gong stood behind the ah ma, making sure that she made it to the seat safely. the ah ma, not to be outdone, also made sure that ah gong is surviving well behind her. when they sat down, ah ma immediately started meddling with the adjustable air-conditioning ducts. her antics got on the nerves of ah gong. ah gong said in cantonese, within the earshot of everyone on board, a tone typical of his generation,
“aiyah, what are you doing?!?!”
“adjusting this stupid thing so that the wind don’t blow at you. you are having running nose! what if you catch a cold on top of that??” ah ma replied. ah gong kept quiet, most probably appreciating the fact that ah ma has his interests at heart. soon, ah ma shows her new purse to ah gong, filling ah gong in on which kiddie of theirs bought it for her as a birthday gift and the latest happenings in the lives of their brood of offsprings.

the younger couple, although less ermmm vocal, was more than happy to put up a show of intimacy on a public bus. the guy was smooching the gal throughout their journey, hugging her protectively as well. when they reached their “heavy” palm-sized handbag, most probably so that she could have both hands to balance herself with. ah… hot heaty love and long time old-school love. what a contrast!

it sets me thinking: would i ever have a chance to experience such emotions? honestly, i think i am too cynical to be able to have such a relationship anymore. which is why i had pre-warned my mom when my sister got married. i had told her, “ok, now that elder sister is married. when little brother got married, please dont ask me when i am getting married… coz i am never going to get married!”

people whom i had told them in passing said,

“aiyoh! young lady!! you are much too young to say that!! why?? had a very hideous previous relationship?? you would get over it. or you come from a broken family issit??” i come from a very happy and cozy immediate family, where everyone cares for everyone (sadly, tat excludes the extended family). so why am i so bitter and negative towards marriage?

the reason being: i see a lot of troubles and problems involved with love and marriage life.
1) A might be crazily in love with B. B could be nonchalant towards A. or worse, B could see A as a means of tool to achieve some other aims, eg, career advancement, a free maid, a personal prostitute, a childbearing tool, etc. when is love and affections really reciprocated? lets not be picky and demand for the same level of commitment. but simply just reciprocated, irregardless of the amount “invested”?

2) A is in love with B. B is in love with A. but the family of A might just hate B, vis versa. even if A and B managed to fight back all “attacks” and get married, the in-laws or some evil relatives would still show their antagonisations against the sponse. even if before marriage, the in-law love their potential son/daughter-in-law, somehow, living together would cause frictions and tempers would soon fly and the marriage would, unavoidably, hit some rocks and if divorced, there are bound to be some ugly comments being passed around.

3) A and B might be merrily married until junior comes along. suddenly, everyone who has a junior before thinks it is ok to intrude into the lives of this trio. “aiyah!! i have popped X kids!! i noe it better than you!!”, “its not good for MY grandchild!”, “must give this to MY grandchild!! its good!!”, or the ultimate, “i have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice. listen to me.” dammit, didnt they know that too much salt kills?? so obviously they are not in a good position to comment. :P

4) after years of marriage, the kids grew up. the hubby/wifey get mid-life identity crisis. one gets into an affair with a young good looker. partner finds out. marriage over. all happy times forgotten.

if love and marriage has a high possibility of pain and divorce, then why fall in love and get married at all?? if one doesnt fall in love or get married, then most probably the only life one messed up is your own life, not someone else’s. and definitely not some kids’ lives that they ended up being dynsfunctional and being a blight in the society. then some other kind and patient soul have to spend much time, not to mention resources, to clean up your mess. all coz you loved the wrong person. sad, isnt it?

one might argue: love and marriage involves give and take… ok, eg, a gal likes a guy. she tries all ways and means to please him. say, the guy wanted a good looker as a girlfriend. she goes on a diet, went for all sorts of beauty regimes and dolls up herself really well. they fell in love, got married. after childbirth, the girl finds it difficult to cut all the fats that she has piled on during pregnancy. the guy dumps her coz she is no longer slim and pretty, justified? coz if the marriage is a contract in the first place, the girl had “failed” to “fulfilled” her part of the contract by appearing slim and pretty. the guy could argue that the “payment in kind”, in this case, a baby, is not the “goods” he is looking for, right? reasonable?

flashback from my other private blog that had since been shutdown:

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

age, marriage & commitment

“when you come to our age, marriage becomes a responsibility. that’s why couples without children would divorce when they come to our age….. coz there is no love left nor common goals to share…” – a 40-year-old woman

“marriage is simply a deal of mutual making-use. he makes use of us to give birth, to do watever he couldnt. we make use of him to do watever we couldnt do.”

“@ yr age, dun be so choosy…. just find a nice boyfriend & get married. no matter wat, a woman is incomplete without a husband & children, irregardless of whether she is dependent on a man or not. no matter how strong or capable a woman is, she always need a family.”

“when the time comes, U would get married. dun have to be anxious abt it or give yrself a deadline.”

“there’s no perfect match in this world. just 80% right marriage. so dun wait, when the 80% right guy comes along, just get married.”

such is the diverse array of marriage related comments i have come across so far. it comes from the various walks of life…. from the blissfully married ones, the neutrally married ones, the unhappily married ones, the unwilling spinsters & the merry spinsters.

marriage, something so far away, so frightening. the mention of marriage conjures no positive image in my mind…. not the pretty, happy young mom with beautiful little children, a caring good-looking husband with a generous income, car & condo. more like the harassed worn-out looking auntie type of mom, with naughty ill-bred children & a nonchalant husband who is worried abt being retrenched & loss of being the head of the family due to none income (think: male -> gatherers, females -> herders), all crowded into a tiny HDB flat with noisy intolerant neighbours (not tat private estate neighbours are any better!! :P)! marriage is indeed not a pretty sight in my opinion. imagine the marriage involves two families, each with their own way of thinking & customs/traditions. mother-in-laws who never seemed to be pleased with their newly-acquired daughters. sad to say, i have yet to meet a happy pair of mother/daughter-in-law…….

disclaimer: this posting is solely my personal views. if you are happily married, congratulations, you are very lucky. if you are happily married and is already a happy mummy, double congratulations, you are seriously very lucky. in my religion, it would be defined as very good karma.

yl would like to state that she is not a bitter psychopath bent on spreading unhappiness in the world. she is simply one happy unmarried old hag who enjoys being alone and being left alone. if you are currently holding on to a rose, plucking the petals off in order to decide whether to accept his proposal or whether to have a child, yl would like to pre-congratulate you on your impending happiness.

看看以下的照片。你觉得谁爱得比较深?
a) 前排的年长夫妇
b) 后排的年轻男女
c) 全部都不是
d) 全部都是?


那个较感人?
Originally uploaded by yl.

老调牙的问题。我的选择是(D)。对,或许在照片中,年长夫妇看起来不是很恩爱。但是当他们一起上巴士的第二层时,阿公站在阿嬷的后面,确保阿嬷不会摔倒。阿嬷也“不甘示弱”地往后看阿公是否站的稳。当他们做稳时,阿嬷开始调整上方的冷气调解器。她的举动让阿公困扰。阿公当面以广东话说到:“哎呀!你在干嘛??” 阿嬷答:“调整这东西,不让它吹你。你已经流鼻涕了。伤风了怎么办?”阿公沉默不语,多办心中有数。过不久,阿嬷让阿公看自己的新皮包,也闲聊着孩子们的近况。

年轻情侣呢,就不交谈,但是动作却很开放。男的从开始就一直和女友接吻、搂抱。到站时,男友还替女友拿那“沉重”的手提袋。热恋与老恋的落差。

这让我想:我有可能常识这种纯纯的感觉吗? 老实说,我觉得自己对人太不信任了,不可能相信另一个人。所以我已经预在姐姐结婚时先提醒妈妈:姐姐结婚了,弟弟结婚的时候,你别问我即使轮到我。因为我是永远不会结婚的!

当我向人们闲聊时提起这事,他们都说:
“哎呀!小姐!你还年轻!别说这种话!为什么?是不是之前的感情不如意?下一段会更好的!还是你是从破碎家庭里成长,所以对感情没信心??” 我来自一个很美满的家庭。大家都很照顾彼此,不包括亲戚。但是我为什么会对婚姻/感情那么苦涩与悲观呢?

理由有: 婚姻与感情对我而言,除了麻烦,还是麻烦。
1) A 为 B 倾倒。B 可能对A没意思。或者更糟的,B 把A 视为一样可利用的工具,对事业、免费女佣、传略妓女、生育工具等等。付出的情,会被回报吗?撇开回报分量不谈,就只是基本的回报吧。会吗?

2) A 爱 B。 B 爱 A。但是A的家人不爱B,或B的家人不喜欢A。尽管A与B排除万难的结婚了,家人的冷言冷语,亲戚们的挑拨离间可能会让婚姻蒙受重大的压力。尽管婚前彼此看起来情况乐观,但是,相见易相处难。。。结果闹翻了,又是不开心。

3) A 与 B 开心的结婚了,也有了孩子。忽然全世界生过孩子的人都觉得自己有权利闯进这小家庭的生活。“我生过那么多孩子!我比你懂的多!”, “我知道这对我的孙子有好处!”, “给孙子这个!对他有益无害!”, 或者最经典的“我吃的盐比你吃的米多!听我的!”难道他们不知道吃盐对身体没好处吗??还是别听了!:P

4) 结婚多年,孩子们都离巢了。中年危机。外遇。被发现。离婚。欢乐时光都被抛的九霄云外。

如果恋爱与婚姻有很高的离婚与痛苦,那为什么要恋爱与结婚呢?如果一个人不结婚就不会离婚,那除了自己以外,不会扰乱别人的生命。更不会害到离婚后的子女,照成社会问题。可悲吧?

可能有人会说:恋爱与结婚需要彼此忍让。好,那如果一个女生爱上男生。男生喜欢漂亮的女生。女生竭尽全力变漂亮。他们恋爱,结婚了。生育后,女生减不了产前所增加的重量。男生与女生离婚,因为女生不再漂亮了,情有可原吗?因为如果婚姻是合约,那女生“违反”了“合约的条例”:她得是个漂亮的女人而“赔偿数额”(也就是宝宝)未必被男生“接受”。有理由吗?

往事回忆:

星期二, 2004年9月28日

年龄、婚姻与承诺

“当你是我们的年龄,婚姻是一种责任。所以如果一对夫妇到我们的年龄而没儿女多办会离婚。因为他们既没热爱有没共同目标了。” – 一年约四十的女士所说。

“婚姻是一种互相利用。他利用我们做他没办法做到的事,如生育。我们利用他做我们没法办到的事。”

“你这年龄,别太挑剔了。找个不错的男朋友结婚吧。不管怎么样,再强再独立的女人,没家庭都是不完整的!”

“当时间到了,缘分来了,你就会结婚了。别给自己太大的压力或期限。”

“这世界是没有完美的结合的。只有80%完美。别空等了。当那80%的男人出现就结婚吧!”

这是我遇到有关婚姻的评语。说评人来自各界,有美满婚姻的,中立的,不愉快但又不能离婚的,不愿意做不婚族的,拥抱单身主义的。

婚姻对我而言,是很遥远,很可怕的。提起婚姻,我想象的都很负面。。。不是漂亮妈妈带着美丽的小孩,等着英俊的爸爸下班。爸爸可能拥有高薪的职位,有车有房。我想象得多办是一个外表疲惫的中年妇人,一群玩皮的孩子和一个为担心被裁员而变的冷漠的丈夫。大家都住在拥挤的政府组屋,有吵闹不休的邻居。在我眼里,婚姻不是件美事。两家人,个有个的习俗与想法。永远不满自己的媳妇。到目前为止,我还没碰过一对真正开心的婆媳。。。

声名:这文章纯属个人意见。如果你是一位开心的已婚人,恭喜你。你很幸运!如果你是个已婚的开心妈妈/爸爸,双倍的恭喜你。你真的是幸运的不得了。在我的宗教信仰中,这是因果。

我不是个苦涩的变态人,只想让全世界的人不开心。我只是一个享受一个人,喜欢不被人烦的开心老姑婆。如果你现在正在考虑要不要结婚或要不要生育孩子,我想预先恭喜你!

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2 Responses to in love ~ 恋爱

  1. Fannie says:

    pardon my curiousity…how come some post got passwords one huh? cannot read leh.

  2. YL says:

    ermmmm…. those are my personal records… too badly written for public consumption!

    cheerio,
    yl.

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