pink ribbon ~ 粉红丝带

this is a post i wrote in my private blog about the death of my two ex-colleagues, one of them being my mentor, before i switched sides to liquidblade.com. as i had said before, ladies, please take care of yourself.

you are gone

when you told me you had breast cancer, i had a shock. i still remember it was a saturday. and i was eating Chongqing hotpot. it was quite some time since we last chatted. i tried calling you for some time. but usually you were out. sms-es went unanswered. i thot you had forgotten abt me. or that we have no issue to be talking to each other anymore. then came the sms on that saturday, “you free now? can call me?” i was still thinking that how come such an inconvienent timing. i called you nevertheless. and you shocked me with the revelation that you were sicken with breast cancer and hence, was too sick to call me. i felt ashamed at my childishness. i remember you even said,”所以你有空得打电话来敲敲门,看看我还在不在。” i remember i even retort,”不要乱说!不会的!”

you mentioned that you were undergoing chemotherapy. and the whole course of chemotherapy would finish around first or second week of may. you mentioned of tat company asking you to go back to work after you are done with your chemotherapy sessions. i naively told you to retire, rest and relax @ home after you are done with your chemotherapy. but i never thot of the fact that the treatment and recovery process might not progress as well as hoped for. i stupidly thot that everything would be well and happily ever after. i was that stupid. so much so that i even sent you a congratulatory sms on the successful completion of your chemotherapy sessions and you are well. i am sorry that i opened up the wounds of your family if they ever got to read that hurting sms.

thinking you were well and happy @ home, i had tried to called you today. somehow feeling a tad uneasy that no one picked up, i suddenly thot of acting ignorance and calling tat company to ask for you. i was told, rather coolly and nonchantly “she passed away.” all i could say was,”HUH??” perhaps, being a business entity, its not auspicious to be called asking for a deceased, especially so if the person is in sales.

i called up another ex-colleague. he updated me on where your final resting place is located roughly. and brought another piece of sad news. tat another ex-colleague had lost the battle to the very same breast cancer tat took you away. after a lapse, i cried. i miss you, even though i knew that with your passing, you would not have to suffer the uncomfortable chemotherapy sessions or the terrible afterwards. but i still miss you. you were the one who mentored me. you had, within your capabilities and capacity, protected me back then in tat terrible exploitative workplace. i never voiced it but thank you. and i shall regret it that i didnt visit you when you are ill, thinking that i could have brought some unnecessary diseases when your immunity is already weakened by cancer. till now, i still dunno whether its the correct decision. i supposed i never will.

这是一则曾经在自己另一个隐秘的博客发表过的一编感想。就我曾经提过的,妇女们,请保重。

你走了

当你告诉我你患了乳癌时,我吓了一跳。我还记得是星期六。而我当时候正在吃麻辣火锅。我们已经好一段日子没聊天了。我尝试和你联络,但是每次不是你不在就是没人接听电话。短讯也没回复。我还以为你不记得我了呢。又或许已经没什么好和我聊了。忽然,就在那个星期六,你的短讯来了。“有空吗?可以和我联络吗?”我还想:怎么那么巧?就在我吃饭的时候??我还是和你联络了。你透露因为自己患了乳癌,所以病得没空和我联络。我不禁要为自己的孩子气而脸红。还记得你说:“所以你有空得打电话来敲敲门,看看我还在不在。”,而我吓了一跳,回答:“不要乱说!不会的!”

你提起还在做化学疗程。而整个疗程会在五月的第一或第二个星期完成,说公司要你在做完疗程后回去上班。我天真地叫你退休、休息、就在家里放轻松好了。但是我却没想到你的进度可能会没有预期的理想。我还以为一切一定会雨过天晴的,而事情永远都能有童话般的结局。我好笨。简直就是笨得离普!笨到还发简讯给你,恭喜你完成疗程,没事了。对不起,我又剥开你家人的伤口。

还以为你现在康复了,开开心心地在家里休息,我尝试打电话到你家。不知道为什么,这次没人听,我感到非常不安。忽然想到可以装疯买傻,打电话到旧公司去找你。可能你已经上班了呢??结果,一冷冷的声音告诉我:“他去世了。”我除了傻傻地,“啊?”一声,什么都不知道该怎么做。可能就因为是一家公司,忽然有人打电话问到已经过世的人,觉得不吉利吧!尤其是做行销的人,会觉得分外的不吉利。

我联络了另一位旧同事。他让我知道了你的安息地点,还带来了另一起不幸的消息。我们的另一位前同事也去世了。死因也是乳癌。愣了一下,我哭了。我想念你,尽管我知道你的过世让你不需要在受疗程的那种痛苦和疗程的后遗症。但是我还是想念你。是你教导我社会的险恶。是你在能力范围内保护我,维护我这乳嗅未干的傻瓜。我从来不对你说,但是谢谢。我会后悔自己在你生病时没去看你,就担心自己会在你抵抗力弱的时候带来一些病菌。到现在为止,我还不知道这决定是否正确。我想我永远都不会知道。

This entry was posted in past. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to pink ribbon ~ 粉红丝带

  1. the diva says:

    Quite scary lor

    I had a scare like that about 1 year ago. Thought that I was a gone case already. After surgery and rehabilitation, I’m as good as new. The diagnosis was not conclusive even after the diseased tissue was tested ad nauseum. Well, I live one day at a time now…

  2. yl says:

    :| till now not conclusive?? Geez… how come??

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *